Literally as I'm commenting on this I'm thinking - how do I make my comment more writerly for my author friend 🫢 On a scale of "wanting to be unique and have my own thing" to "cherishing shared experience", I definitely fluctuate from experience to experience (or person to person). I wonder if there is a "positive" way to be a foil, like: my friend owns really unique pieces and has a lot of education and training in fashion, and I have done my own learning and exploring. Or Mal has a natural knack for budgeting, and I'm putting in a lot of work to unlearn money avoidance. Both are cool and good!!! Not familiar with the technicalities of the foil so not sure if this is contradictory.
I find that I compare myself to others a lot, but not in the "classic" sense of putting myself down. I am so highly analytical that I'm always comparing and contrasting things (people, experiences, places). For people, I'm more often thinking about what this person has that I admire/aspire to/want to emulate. And I don't think it's inherently bad to ask myself the opposite (what about this person *doesn't work for me?) It can be a slippery slope but, again, I think it's very natural psychologically speaking to see how our own identity holds up against something else. And I think that those of us who are self aware and secure are able to use other experiences as markers for comparison without second guessing ourselves, or changing course to either be more different or more similar to the other? I'll have to keep thinking - You're really making me werk today!!!
It's so funny because I have a lot of friends (and even Mal) who mention they're self conscious about writing to me because "I'm the writer!" We all harbor these little "foil" moments. Glad to know I'm not the only one!
And I feel you on being highly analytical and comparing myself to others not in "that way." As you said, I think it's totally normal to look around ourselves and define ourselves against our peers to an extent. It gets wonky when I think I cannot engage with an interest because "that's their thing." Like Mal and I both love food and cooking, but sometimes I catch myself not exploring it as much as I used to when I was single because "that's her thing." Which is just dumb! Like, someone liking something doesn't mean I can't also have an interest? And of course me and my best friend are both going to like fashion, it's probably what drew us to each other! Why do I feel like someone in my life liking something means they it belongs to them?
I'm also thinking on this one still. As always, I appreciate your thoughtful comments and insight <3 <3 <3
Yes...it's so interesting! Are you the kind of person who has a hard time getting into something if you're not instantly "good" at it? If yes, I wonder if it's related in some way. But you're so right, it's not shocking that you have a shared interest w the people close to you. I wonder also how this relates to (and is maybe a reaction AGAINST) monoculture and trends, where no one is "the fashionable one" bc everyone is wearing identical (sometimes fugly) fits !!! Don't know. Am I suddenly a culture writer? Lol
You're my favorite cultural analyst, for sure. I hate to bring this to the enneagram sphere but I'm an enneagram 4, and we're known as the Individualist. It's almost like I'm a natural born contrarian. It's in my blood to zig when everyone else is zagging.
I think about the "vacuum" existence a lot with body image and beauty stuff! Like, isn't allllll of that just a comparison to an ever-changing ideal?? What would I wear, how would I style my hair, etc if I had never seen another haircut or pinterest outfit??
Also interesting to consider the circle of your field of comparison. I mean, compared to Ash, maybe you don't feel stylish. Compared to ME?! You're a fucking vogue columnist. I think this is the problem with having really great, talented friends lol. A blessing and a curse.
Right, it all becomes so relative and I hate that! I will say, the more I’m offline and in my own world, the louder my own vision/taste/preferences/inner voice sounds. I feel closer than ever to understanding myself in the “vacuum.” I actually feel like I had a stronger grasp of myself at 16 than I do at 32.
Literally as I'm commenting on this I'm thinking - how do I make my comment more writerly for my author friend 🫢 On a scale of "wanting to be unique and have my own thing" to "cherishing shared experience", I definitely fluctuate from experience to experience (or person to person). I wonder if there is a "positive" way to be a foil, like: my friend owns really unique pieces and has a lot of education and training in fashion, and I have done my own learning and exploring. Or Mal has a natural knack for budgeting, and I'm putting in a lot of work to unlearn money avoidance. Both are cool and good!!! Not familiar with the technicalities of the foil so not sure if this is contradictory.
I find that I compare myself to others a lot, but not in the "classic" sense of putting myself down. I am so highly analytical that I'm always comparing and contrasting things (people, experiences, places). For people, I'm more often thinking about what this person has that I admire/aspire to/want to emulate. And I don't think it's inherently bad to ask myself the opposite (what about this person *doesn't work for me?) It can be a slippery slope but, again, I think it's very natural psychologically speaking to see how our own identity holds up against something else. And I think that those of us who are self aware and secure are able to use other experiences as markers for comparison without second guessing ourselves, or changing course to either be more different or more similar to the other? I'll have to keep thinking - You're really making me werk today!!!
It's so funny because I have a lot of friends (and even Mal) who mention they're self conscious about writing to me because "I'm the writer!" We all harbor these little "foil" moments. Glad to know I'm not the only one!
And I feel you on being highly analytical and comparing myself to others not in "that way." As you said, I think it's totally normal to look around ourselves and define ourselves against our peers to an extent. It gets wonky when I think I cannot engage with an interest because "that's their thing." Like Mal and I both love food and cooking, but sometimes I catch myself not exploring it as much as I used to when I was single because "that's her thing." Which is just dumb! Like, someone liking something doesn't mean I can't also have an interest? And of course me and my best friend are both going to like fashion, it's probably what drew us to each other! Why do I feel like someone in my life liking something means they it belongs to them?
I'm also thinking on this one still. As always, I appreciate your thoughtful comments and insight <3 <3 <3
Yes...it's so interesting! Are you the kind of person who has a hard time getting into something if you're not instantly "good" at it? If yes, I wonder if it's related in some way. But you're so right, it's not shocking that you have a shared interest w the people close to you. I wonder also how this relates to (and is maybe a reaction AGAINST) monoculture and trends, where no one is "the fashionable one" bc everyone is wearing identical (sometimes fugly) fits !!! Don't know. Am I suddenly a culture writer? Lol
You're my favorite cultural analyst, for sure. I hate to bring this to the enneagram sphere but I'm an enneagram 4, and we're known as the Individualist. It's almost like I'm a natural born contrarian. It's in my blood to zig when everyone else is zagging.
I think about the "vacuum" existence a lot with body image and beauty stuff! Like, isn't allllll of that just a comparison to an ever-changing ideal?? What would I wear, how would I style my hair, etc if I had never seen another haircut or pinterest outfit??
Also interesting to consider the circle of your field of comparison. I mean, compared to Ash, maybe you don't feel stylish. Compared to ME?! You're a fucking vogue columnist. I think this is the problem with having really great, talented friends lol. A blessing and a curse.
Right, it all becomes so relative and I hate that! I will say, the more I’m offline and in my own world, the louder my own vision/taste/preferences/inner voice sounds. I feel closer than ever to understanding myself in the “vacuum.” I actually feel like I had a stronger grasp of myself at 16 than I do at 32.
one thousand million percent agree. maybe this is part of why we're longing for those teenage phoneless, endless, summers!
I’m determined to have that feeling back.